i don't want to sound whiny or jealous but i'm feeling frustrated. i hold back a lot of my real feelings on this blog because i know that a lot of people that know me in real life read it so i tend to edit my feelings sometimes. but today i feel like i need to vent (admittedly, this post is edited to some degree). why does it seem that every other woman in the world (of course i know this isn't true but it feels like it today) can decide to get pregnant and then in 1-3 months she ends up being exactly that. i am surrounded by pregnant women. today i found out that 2 more girls i know are pregnant. i talked to one of them about 2 months ago about starting the "trying" process. we both said that we were ready to try for #2 and wished each other the best. of course i meant it when i wished her success in trying to conceive. i still mean it. i am truly happy for her. she is a great girl and a wonderful mommy and she deserves to be pregnant with the baby she is carrying. but why was she successful and i'm not? i got my period this week. i had the slightest bit of hope that it wouldn't come. i know better than to hope. HOPE SUCKS SOMETIMES. i have no expections that i will be able to get pregnant on my own but that damn HOPE is still able to creep up on me. i feel GUILTY for even being disappointed in my inability to conceive because i WAS able to get pregnant and i have the most wonderful baby in the world. i love him so so so very much and i am so so so so grateful that i get to be his mommy. i don't ever want him to feel like he isn't enough. HE IS ENOUGH. but i've always wanted 2 kids and i just wish it was easy for me like it is for everyone else. easy to get pregnant and have a normal pregnancy like everyone else. my stupid body and my stupid uterus and my stupid everything. i hate being whiny like this and feeling this way. i have no right to feel this way. i have a great life. a husband that loves me dearly, a son that is a dream come true, a nice place to lay my head at night, food in my belly... i have the life i always wanted (okay, i could use some extra $$ in the bank account but that's another story). so why is this so hard on me? why do i feel like less of a woman when my friends discuss their perfect birth stories and perfect pregnancies? why do i allow that HOPE to creep into my head when I KNOW BETTER! didn't i learn from last time? apparently not. stupid.
sigh. all i want to do these days (when i'm not playing with Caleb) is read my new addiction... the twilight series books. who would have ever thought that i would be so into teen books about vampires? dude, i'm hooked. they are seriously addicting.
5 comments:
kim...i'm sorry that you started. i'm sorry that it's taking longer than you hoped it would. but however it happens, i truly believe that you will have 2 kids one day, soon. you can vent to me in real life if you need to, i DON'T think that you're a complainer or that you think caleb isn't enough. you just want to sibling for him. anyways, we love you. ~s
I don't even know you but read your blog (aka stalker) linked through other blogs :) I just want you to know that it took my husband and I over 3 years to get pregnant. Gratefully, I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter now...but that was through a lot of patience, love, prayer, and actually, accupuncture. Have you tried it? I completely changed my diet, went to accupuncture once a week, took my temps, and "relaxed (as much as possible). Soon enough, it happened. Honestly, I had a miscarriage but without even getting another period, I got pregnant again. Just when I least expected! I had lost ALL hope and had adoption paperwork going. You never know when it will happen. Each month that passes will get you closer to a month that it WILL happen. So be patient and never feel like a failure ;) It's not in your hands.
Kim- I would love to have your email address. I have followed your blog since you were on bed rest with Caleb. I googled bed rest when I was on bed rest with my little boy and your blog came up. Anyway, he was born a few days after Caleb. I would love to chat with you. I did not know how to send my email privately. I can relate to this post and thought you know "misery loves company". I totally understand where you are coming from. Hope to talk soon. Melissa
Kim, I get it. I wish neither of us had to worry about getting and staying pregnant. But, I think we both are due for an easy pregnancy filled with no bed rest and no preterm labor. Deal? Hugs.
totally get it, and understand how you feel. we are in same boat. it was almost 3 years from start ttc to our little girls birth, and we are still trying for no 2 with no luck yet. hope you can find peace through the process....
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