i've come to the realization that money doesn't fall from the sky and in order to pay my bills, i need to get a job. i've been a stay-at-home mom for 16 months. i tried so hard for so long to become a mom and by the grace of God, i became one to the best little boy in the world. these last 16 months have been the best, most rewarding, most enjoyable, better-than-i-imagined months of my entire life. i love my little caleb so much and i would do anything for him. the idea of leaving him breaks my heart. i know, i know, lots of moms do it every day and i understand that it is painful for them too. i'm not trying to discount their pain; i am just voicing mine. i cry real tears at the thought of not being the one to feed him breakfast/lunch every day, not being the one to kiss his owies, sing to him all day long, or be the first to hear his newest word. we are so close. the bond we have is so strong - will it change when i go back to work? will he still know how much i love him? will he look at me with the same smile and know that i would die for him? i miss him when i leave for an hour and when i come back i swear he has grown or his face has changed. i've always wanted to stay at home with my kid(s) and i have loved every second being here with my baby. i am so thankful for the time that we've spent together playing, reading, dancing... but now, how can i leave him? HOW CAN I LEAVE HIM???? i can't even write this without bawling my eyes out.
i don't know what to do.
but, the plan is... i'm going to try to find a part-time job that will allow for me to make a little extra money and still spend time with caleb. i know that it's hard to find a job these days so who knows what is going to happen. i will be lucky to find work with the economy the way it is today. i'm applying to both full-time and part-time jobs, and just praying that God will put me in the job that HE wants me in.
i was supposed to go back to school in august to take a chemistry class as a prereq for the nursing program. i decided when i was on hospital bedrest that i wanted to be a nurse. the nurses made such a difference in my day and i grew to love them. i am a schmuck because i already have a bachelor's degree and student loans that i am still paying on but so what? i want that nursing degree. but now i don't think i am going back to school for a while. i need to focus on the here and now and what my family needs. my family needs me to work.
i am a mess. God help me.
7 comments:
i KNOW God will open the right doors...whatever those are, so that everything works out. you are a great mom and caleb will always know how much you love him, your bond with him won't ever change. i'll pray that you're still able to be home with caleb AND somehow be able to start generating some kind of extra income. He can make that possible.
love you~s
i'm sorry, I'm sure this is so hard what you are facing. No matter what you will continue to have the amazing bond with your son. You are a great Mommy and he will always know it!
Try to think of the positive for Caleb, he will be with other kids, learning and playing with others. I know its hard but in the long run it gives him a new world. He will still know mom and dad and know that you love him.....
oh nooooooooooooooooooooo Kim!!!! You are in the ugliest, most heart-wrenching spot ever. I have been there and it is so hard and sad to have to pick up and get back into working and a whole new way of life and scheduling. I'm not going to lie- it is hard. I cried my eyes out on my first day back to work (in the car on the way there at least) It DID get better and now I (and Swim) am used to our routine. I was worried about missing things that he does- and that worry doesn't go away, but gets less intense for me. I hate not being there for him 24 hours a day. I hate coming home exhausted and wanting to sit for 5 minutes instead of plop on the floor and play. It is such a difficult thing to be a working mom and to do that transition.
But you know what you have to do...unless you hit Lotto or magic cash starts growing in the backyard (let me know please! lol!)
But I will tell you- your relationship with Caleb will not change. He will love you just as much, if not more. Nothing beats that smile when you come home after a day at work. NOTHING.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you huge hugs :(
I'm sorry Kim! I know how much you love being home with Caleb. This is not going to be an easy transition. I hope the right job lines up at just the right time. Everyone is right in that your bond with Caleb will still be very, very strong. You are a great Mom and you'll do what is right for your family every step of the way. Hugs!
aw, Kim, saying a prayer for you...God knows. He will work all the details out in such away that you will have that precious time w/your precious bundle. Gotta believe. :)
Kim I know how you are feeling. I have only been able to be home with Hailey for 4 and a half months and now its time to go back to work. But, I know that she will always know how much I love her and Caleb will always know how much you love him. The other good thing is when I took Connor to the babysitter for the first time and there were other kids he really learned how to play with others and his vocabulary improved, he was also happier because he was making friends. I know its hard but in the long run our kids will thank us for doing what we had to in order to provide for them. And who knows maybe in a couple of years when he is a little older you can stay home for good and really get to enjoy his childhood.
Hope this helps. We love ya and will be praying that God will open all the right doors.
Post a Comment